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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.